Sunday, July 1, 2012

Realization No. 1

OMG. (That's ohmygoodness in MY head...the other omg is my biggest pet peeve...10 commandments people!)  I just had one of those not-so-funny but funny lightbulb moments while reading Dweej's blog ....its her 32nd birthday and other regular commenters are chiming in with similar ages.  I know I know ... 37 isn't that much more really.  But...its even worse IRL most of the time.  Any birthy mom meetings (birthnetwork, ICAN, breastfeeding, playgroups...) seem to be mostly moms in their 20s. (Except my dear, few, rare-breed Catholic homeschooling moms :) and my long-time email groups that grew out of ICAN...the "ol' timers" we call ourselves lol)  And...I knew this day was coming...but it feels like it went from far-off-in-the-future to here-and-now SUDDENLY.  Bam!  As well as more gray hair, bigger bags under the eyes, new things like age spots and wrinkles, etc.  Sigh. Which is a whole other blog post unto itself.  Sigh.  Vanity! 

So I thought I would embrace aging as a wonderful natural process...and gracefully.  But...I think I am starting to panic for a couple of reasons.  Firstly I am post-hysterectomy now going on about 3 years...and still avoiding getting my hormones checked out...but my point is...I want another baby ...and that decision is complicated in so many ways. It will have to be adoption obviously, but it will be either too expensive or fostering (which we don't feel ready to do or able currently) or it would be older children (which we don't feel ready to handle.)  Plus even if we don't go the expensive routes, we need to get more financially prepared.  Then, am I physically ready for the care of another baby?  No!  In my head I feel younger and fit.  Reality is that I am not just out of shape, but I am between 100 and 150lbs overweight. Sigh.  Obese.  Even when you grow up chubby and watching the likes of Oprah and so many other talk show hosts talk about it, interview depressed obese people or show "amazing transformations"... you never expect to become it.  I will save my whole sob-weight story for another post (and how I sqaundered the chance of a lifetime last year to get fit). And let me just add that I full-well know that there are some (even very dear-to-me) BBW who are fully comfortable in who they are and how healthy they are and don't struggle (as I do) with guilt over gluttony.  I totally respect that.  However for me, I am sooo uncomfortable (bending to try to paint your toenails should not make it impossible for you to breathe, if you can reach them at all) and my weight holds me back and keeps me shy.  And it makes me more and more unhealthy everyday.  But suffice it to say, I hope and pray everyday that I will finally make the lifestyle changes for myself and my family, to get us all fit for life. 

And so this issue is related, too, to approaching my 40s with some fear.  This is where a lot of the panic comes from.  I have seen so many people in my life close to me hit mid-40s and crash.  "Nervous breakdown" they call it.  "Holy terrors, batman!" I call it.  I know, I know..."be not afraid!"  And I am trying to hold on to that.  "Try you must not".  There's no trying in, wait...  uh, anyhoo,.... I really feel that one thing that can go wrong in your 40s is a chemical and/or hormonal shift, that makes everything go haywire.  That is why I really want to get on top of this health stuff. 

I gather a few things from this post, as it has spewed forth lol. One:  I must increase my faith in God's plan...or just follow our VBS theme, which was "Trust God." :p. And Two: increase my daily prayer level.  Cha-ching! (Sorry for some reason I heard that sound in my head imagining somehow increasing my "level" lol) and three:  get in shape.  Follow through with my fitness goals and lifestyle changes.  Bam!  "Just do it" missy!   So I implore your prayers in this endeavor, whether you are 20 or 90 years young LOL.  In fact, just get ready to pray me through the next 10 years or I further gray, and watch all my kiddos pass through their childhood at warp speed, and make so many big decisions (and deal with hormonal/attitudinal chilrens :P )  K thx bye! :)

P.S.  here's is a lovely pic of some of our brand new bikes we all got for Christmas in order to help with fitness goals...very much unused.  Sigh.

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