What hit me between the eyes tonight (and boy, I could write a whole other long post on how our wonderful/sorrowful Ash Wed. went today :) ) .....was this part:
Being mere humans, we tend to dismiss the people God places in our lives and the challenges we are called to overcome, as “needless obstacles.” God is asking you to embrace those things, and to use them to grow in intimacy with him.Wow. First of all the little girl story is so powerful there. How many times do I do that same thing with Mariam! :) But....how many times does God do that with me? And I am so consumed in my "why's?" and "but...'s" and whining that, when the really GREAT thing he was preparing me for comes along....I fear I am not thankful enough. Argh...why didn't I just accept and have patience?? (I certainly don't want to PRAY FOR PATIENCE :P ) But ....I think it is because I am not maintaining that "intimacy with God"....that we all long for and need. THAT is what God wants from us....intimacy. Just like in the Garden!! Why do we hold back??? Time and Time again. Why do we have to be reminded, or knocked upside the head to remember this?? lol
But more than this, with the passage from above....I am so convicted to stop the negative, running complaints in my head, in my heart....the ever-whining. Why did this have to happen this way? Why does this person in my life have to be this way or that? And why couldn't they just be XYZ? No.....God placed them in my lives....and HE KNEW....that *I* needed them. Case in point: I really always just "knew" I was going to get a Mariam in my life one day :) If not God-forbid had it been her, then maybe Noah would have been or another child.... She challenges me more and more each day, in new ways. She is spunky, she is bouncy, she is high energy, she is ever-questioning, ever-moving; she "keeps me on my toes" as many people notice and say to me often, especially at Church. LOL No, Micah and Jillian were not like that...they were easy-going and in the younger years, pretty quiet (not now though lol) and just...well easy. I could get away with being "lazy"....okay...I shouldn't have been....and maybe there again God knew I needed that during some rough times with PPD and loss and all. Please do not get me wrong....I am in love with Mariam, love her with ever fiber of my being. I am not comparing her to them. And like I said, I knew I had it coming :) He just knew I needed her...to challenge me and kick me in the pants (maybe literally lol) and so much more. And oh the JOY she brings as well. Okay I've posted on this already...lol But...it's not just with her.... God knew I needed the things in Doug too that challenge me :) He encourages me and challenges me to jump out of my box like no one else could. And I can think of so many other things and people in my life....that...it's just hitting me....oh wow, I've wanted to change this or that, or just be rescued from it....but no...He has molded and changed ME through all of them! He is molding and changing me through them. Wow. And that means....that being the clay IN HIS HANDS....I can have quite the intimacy with HIM. And I want more..... I want all of HIM. MORE ADORATION. MORE DAILY MASS. MORE INTIMATE PRAYER with HIM alone...shutting out all of the things that take me away.... and giving all of my worries to HIM.
And after the challenge of the movie Courageous today....and seeing the desires of my husband's heart too... I am so ready to "take it to the next level." I pray I can rise to the challenge, and stay committed to our renewed focus......and have that greater Intimacy with God, with Christ...through Mary (along with several of my beloved online Catholic "sisters" :) )and GIVE that to my children too...teach them and teach them well, through modeling. Holy Mary, pray for us!
Lord Jesus Christ, only Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner.