Along with the platitudes from earlier this week on my soul mate and partner in crime, Douglas, ( Gag, IKR? can you tell though that he's been gone for a week and gets back tomorrow/today!? :) ) I have to add how very much I was gifted with my "heart's desire"....of beautiful, amazing, wonderful kiddos. All I really ever wanted to be growing up was a mommy. I know, cliche' right? But it's true. Under-achiever? I think not. I had other career ideas, but....nothing topped motherhood. I've mentioned at the beginning of all my birth story sharing how I "just knew" I had birthing hips and was going to pop my babies out. I literally would "play" giving birth with my friends, at times LOL when we played "house." Oh sure, it was based on silly "birth" scenes I'd seen on tv (who else watched Dallas and other soap operas at too young an age in the '80s WITH your parents, and would NEVER let your children watch that smut now??? LOL) and involved a LOT of panting and "ow's" LOL Ugh. But yeh....I was afraid of it, but "prepared." Unfortunately that means I figured I'd be one of those who wanted her epidural in the parking lot. Gah! But I digress....more birthy stuff later... While I never got to actually GIVE BIRTH the "right" way (my words) and will always grieve that (yes, it's okay to grieve that, many women do!), I did get my ultimate heart's desire. My children and my vocation. I do miss a few that are in heaven, you know that. But...I was beyond blessed with the 3 living I have (so far? maybe one day there will be more? not sure...) and they do bring me SO much JOY. When Doug and I met, we both sort of had this idea in our minds that, if this wasn't the "real deal", we'd scare the other one off by mentioning weddings and lots of children. LOL Well, it backfired, or rather WORKED, for both of us....we were each others' "heart's desire." The whole package. We both wanted a big family, and even knew no matter what, we wanted to adopt. We just didn't know the "no matter what" would work out the way that it did....but "all things work together for good." And I pray for many more years of Joy and Desire :P Above is the pic I really wanted to upload yesterday but wasn't able to yet. And you can see my other little "joys" in the margin to the left <----- :) Now.....pray that I can also be my heart's desire of a GOOD, CALM, PEACEFUL, GENTLE, ATTACHED, AWARE, INVOLVED, HOMESCHOOLING, PRAYERFUL, HOLY mother to them all! I have not felt calm enough this week, or for a while even, and know I yell too much! Lord, mold and shape this lump of clay into YOUR IMAGE!!
A Heart "CAN"
I have mentioned and will continue to mention part of my other many passions :).... ICAN and all manner of birth activism, for better safer birth for mothers; infant loss; ppd and ptsd; doula care and midwifery care; and so much more. And hopefully you've noticed my PINK KIT banner in the upper right hand margin :) I am working on a post about it for later. Stay tuned.... Well anyway, you also may know that I am the (struggling) leader of our local ICAN chapter, which I really really hope to do a better job on that really soon. (Like put up flyers, start a bank account, get my EIN, so much more...) I am glad I have been able to help a few VBAC moms here and there, despite my failings. Each one reach one, right? And I have an awesome co-leader (which I keep forgetting to get signed up w/ her free membership we won last year, grr!) But I digress.... I am excited to say that I sent in my app and was allowed to be the 2013 Conference Speaker Hospitality Chair :) I am so excited! I am good at hospitality (especially with other people's money, ....cuz I don't usually have any money to DO hospitality LOL.) And I love it. I am also a good mediator. I can make decisions about other people's stuff, just not my own :) I can make phone calls that are not personal to me or involve a bank, a bill, or a doctor. :) Ha! But seriously, I hope that I can do a good job and am excited about the 2013 Conference next year in Seattle. I've never been to the West Coast, so that will be super uber exciting! And this will be my third conference to attend. My first was super (uber) emotional and hard. I was about 3 years out from my tragedy w/ Noah, and had a one year old Mariam in tow, so it was hard to fully experience it and appreciate it. I was mainly there to meet in person for the first time some of my very favorite people on Earth, whom I'd already known online for several years and who had seen me through my grief. It was bittersweet. Somewhat painful. Somewhat disappointing. But...I didn't give up hope. And at the end of it, I made the decision to start my own chapter and dive even stronger into birth work. I found that I had NOT been able to give it up completely....my passion was reignited. And so,...I attended the next conference 2 years later, on FIRE! I was fully present, listening to speakers, and brainstorming. But also healing. I recommitted my passion for ICAN. And now...this year? I am even considering preparing some session ideas with some other mommas and I am again, so excited to be Hospitality Chair, and greet our speakers and make them feel welcome and comfortable. I have some shopping to do (via phone) too, woohoo! What's not to love! :) So...stay tuned, as always....
Sometimes "heart health" means spiritual, and sometimes it means emotional/relational, and sometimes it means physical. Here, I am thinking of the physical. It's an emotional topic for me. I feel like I do not want to go public with my weight struggle any more, because....I did that last year on FB and with locals, and after 4 months, crashed and burned. AWKWARD! Sigh. I've struggled with my weight and food issues my entire life. So has Doug. And now, so do our kids. I do not know why this is SO HARD for us. But it just is. I've whined and cried so much about it all. I am fearful to do that again, (and again) for fear of MORE judgement from others. But...mostly it's my own judgement of myself, I know. My vain worries about what other people think of me. But I AM worried ....I DO worry about my family's health. We ARE trying. We try, and fail, and get back up again. It's all I can do...okay, I know...the tough love says, you don't "try", you "do." Okay....so pray for us that we CAN "do"....because we DO want to be Heart Healthy so that we can live long happy lives here on earth, God-willing, in service to Him and others. May HE be glorified! So thanks for "listening" to my struggles, and ...say it with me, "stay tuned" :).... I hope to share all along a VICTORY in this battle. (No plan sharing for now, sorry!)
Mother Teresa, pray for us!!
If you want to share your h3 as well, check it out and link back/share with me and Micaela! (she really needs a widget for easier URL sharing, huh? hmm...)
what's on your heart? :)