Thank you Sue Elvis!  You're the best!! :)  

Second, M's hair

Yes...my second daughter.  I've talked about her :)  She is none other than Mariam.  The one and only. LOL  I fear this will be here in about 3 or 4 years. LOL

But otherwise....she has been this: 

Joy. :)

and.....this....

my sweet girl! :)

So anyhoo.... miss jealous, cough, I mean...miss M. watched as Jillian bounced through the door, "Ta-da!" And recieved oodles of attention about her new hair, and immediately announced she wanted to go get her hair cut by "Mr. J.C."  LOL  Now...normally if I asked her about getting her hair cut, she revolted.  I think she equated "cut" with sharp objects or pain and said "No way!"  However, this past week that was all history.  She was asking quite often about getting her hair cut. And so, I did INTEND to take her to someone, if not J.C., for said hair cut.  She needed it badly anyway.  True to form, I had been pony-tailing it for quite some time.  Now...yes, her hair is "easier" to care for.  And no, she is not naturally tender-headed. But...she is Mariam...and has that rebellious nature.  Plus she has watched Big Sister wail all of these years.  ("Stop hurting my STISTER!")  So it's no picnic combing her hair either.  Unless rarely, once it's detangled...she forgets...and lets you continue a little while, forgetting that she's not supposed to be enjoying this. :P  She has potential ...just like J. does now...to be my "let's brush each other's hair" duo. LOL She has asked in the past to brush my hair...and ...sometimes half of the time, it's less painful LOL  But her way is not...necessarily soothing. LOL   Okay...so back to the story.  I felt in my bones this was coming....I SHOULD have known.  I may have even thought it.  Heck, I was shocked it hadn't happened in years past already.  

On this past Thursday night, as I prepared to leave for a Mom's Night Out, I was helping Jillian wash and dry her hair.  She still has her cast on, so we had wrapped up her cast in plastic and duct tape (we somehow broke the rubber cover a friend loaned us sigh...another story....)  I then had to cut that off....with scissors.  Mariam saw this, saw me put the scissors down, and before I knew it she had them in her hands.  No, wait...we're not to THAT yet.  So...I caught her...before she could do anything.  And, I thought I was putting them "out of sight, out of mind."  I hid them on my dresser under some clothes.  I didn't think she saw me, or took note.  I would be wrong.  LOL (I LOL in my posts alot, like a nervous giggle in my head as I tell my story...get used to it!) 

When I left, I had Mariam in the bathtub taking her bath, so that things would be a little easier on dear ol' Dad.  I drove the 10 minutes or less to my friend's home for our more "in" than "out" night....and had not been there 10 minutes before I received the call.  Yes, apparently right after I left, she got out of the bathtub and bee-lined it to the scissors.  Before Doug knew, she was coming into the living room w/ the scissors in her hand and asking sweetly "Daddy, can you help me cut some more?"  Oh, I am so glad I was not there at the moment. :)  And from his description, it sounded baaaaad.   

So there was nothing I could do....I continued my night, and when I returned home, she was asleep in bed..so I had to wait until the next day to assess the damage.  But...I could see all of these beautiful golden snippets of hair on our bedroom floor beside the bed...some longer, some shorter... (sniff)  No, I didn't cry but FELT like it.  

Upon inspection the next day, it was not as bad as I had envisioned.  Still, it was her version of a mullet.  Apparently it was easiest to reach over her ears on the sides.... I started to fuss, but what was the point. Daddy had already, and it was all said and done.  I just said well, we'll get it fixed.  And I plan to...but have not had the time honestly since then (planning and executing a mass house clean-up and prep for a boys' sleepover party Fri and Sat., then recuperating and going to Mass....well, here we are at present moment.) So, we'll see.  And honestly, I AM surprised it didn't happen before now...I mean it's a "rite of passage" right?  And she's Mariam, right? LOL  Well, anyhoo....here's the damage:

That's her left side and here's the right:

and here is Mariam, true to form:

Wild Child LOL

Her tummy mommy is not surprised :)  And btw, she has her tummy mommy's fine hair.  Always will :)  Oh, I love her!! She is SO full of life...and JOY.  Praying her heart ALWAYS holds JOY. 

First, J's Hair

Okay, so many know the long-term condition of J's hair...how it has been now for several years.  A tangled mess. Sigh.  Here is a little background on it, and then pics.

I guess I can go all the way back to my own childhood.  I didn't mind having my hair fixed at all...I loved the attention and time from my mother, I loved the lulling, soothing sound of a blow dryer, and I loved to have someone brush my hair...ahhhhh.  It was annoying, but I didn't mind sleeping on pink sponge rollers at night for a special occassion.  I remember a rare time I got to stay with my older cousin, about 3 years my senior, for a week;  she was an only child and very dramatic (and snobby, and bossy, and..and....)  I remember taking a bath, each of us taking turns, and washing our hair, and then having our hair combed out.  V. yelled and screamed and wrangled under her mom's hands, and finally stomped out of the bathroom.  First, I couldn't believe she treated her mother this way lol and secondly, I thought "WHAT is wrong with her? I LOVE to get my hair combed out!"  And despite my extreme shyness, probably told my aunt so.  It was ridiculous to me.

But anyway, fast forward through the years, I took over the care of my hair and through out my awkward middle/high years, it never looked THAT great.  Sometimes better than others.  I loved my big 80's perm, though, simply because it dried my oily hair up some and made me able to go longer between hair washing.  Well, probably should not have...my hair might have looked better, but still.... But all along, any chance I had, I loved to have someone brush my hair.  And my best friend and I WOULD brush each others' hair LOL  And.....I dreamed of brushing my own little girl's hair one day.  Just "playing" with it and making it pretty.  It never crossed my mind that I might get one who did NOT like it.

Then, I had my second child...first daughter.  :)  (yeh, don't care that you can see where this is going...lol)  She was a momma's girl from day one.  She was very attached.  I won't go into her birth story and breastfeeding time and so much more in this post.  Just know, she was a great baby and happy  little girl, as long as she was with mommy :)  And if she was not...the girl could TELL you about it.  LOL  She had a LOUD cry when she cried...I think it actually literally HURT her Daddy's and Grandfathers' ears to hear it. LOL  And I loved so much about my strong little girl, that from day one, hour one, she could LET her feelings be KNOWN...could express them.  She didn't repress, like I always did or tried.  She just let  you know, no mistaking, she was UPSET. LOL   And I lived kind of vicariously through that.  I so admired it.  Always have.  As she's gotten older, it's morphed and now you can "read" her face, but might have to "pull it out" of her, especially the words.  I'm sure with various things we've gone through, she has learned to "repress" it some after all.  However...there has always been ONE issue, she never ever ever could repress her feelings about:  her hair.

Specifically, brushing her hair has always been painful for her.  When she was 2, I thought she was just being dramatic.  But I learned to read her, and...it was too obvious.  The girl just has the most sensitive head I've ever heard of.   Brushing or combing, wet or dry...it didn't matter.  It hurt and she would scream...and cry...and not be able to breathe, and nearly puke...and wail...and...and... ARGH!  How did this happen?  Where was my "let's style each other's hair" girl go?  I mean, when she was 1...and had her first fine baby hair growing...it was fine.  But as it came in, thicker and thicker...wavy, then curly... I lost control.

First, there was my next pregnancy, with Noah.  That's when I really began to lose control.  We swam nearly every day that summer...and I was a tired hot cranky pregnant momma.  The hair did not get conditioned like it should have, nor combed out.  And there was her wailing thing too, which I sought to avoid as much as possible.  Sigh.  My bad.

Then, when I lost Noah, and had a very hard recovery...was sick for so long after; I just did not have it in me.  And neither did anyone else helping me.  A quick brush (not truly getting down deeply, through the tangles) and a pony tail.  That was the daily grind.  Avoid tears and wailing as much as possible and just get out the door.   It began to get so badly tangled.  It was a mess.  So we went our small town beautician and got her hair a bit "chopped" off...well, bobbed and with bangs.  It was cute, but neither of us seemed to think it was her "look."  (This pic is actually a tad grown out...already beginning the long process of growing bangs out....)  Well...anyway....long story short...and various life changes/events such as adopting Mariam (and being gone from Jillian for a month and 1/2 in which her hair tangles persisted) or surgery for me (again, neglect of her hair was a bi-product).... and various attempts at hiding the tangles, if not working to get them out (cutting them out myself)....

see:  isn't she so pretty?? :)

...but we arrived at 9 years old, in August of 2011 with ever-growing long hair....and constant tangles.  I just did not know how to care for kinky curly course hair underneath, and course straighter hair on top...a combo of mine and Doug's but mostly Doug's. LOL  I didn't know how to stay on top of it with conditioning...or how to deal w/ her sensitive scalp.  My solution daily was the pony tail.  But...the tangles began to get worse, and more and more matted.  I felt like such a bad mommy.  And she would cry if I said anything like that.  She would cry FOR ME....my sweet baby...because she didn't want ME to feel like a bad mom because of her hair.  I love that baby girl so much.  I was so upset for her though, and embarrassed as a mom....it was totally on me, as her mom.  I had not properly cared for it nor taught her to.

In comes "Mr. J.C." to the rescue.  J.C. is a recent convert at our parish...and a very good hair stylist in our town.  He offered to work on J's hair for us and get it straightened out.  What a God-send.  We went up to his closed salon on a Saturday afternoon and he began to work his magic.  TWO hours of just detangling and snipping it when need-be to cut out mats and tangles.  Then, washing, conditioning and treating, and more cutting...blowing and drying, and styling.  Total of THREE and 1/2 hours.

During this whole time, as I watched my baby endure all of this, with some tears...I eventually ended up letting the tears flow.  A bit older (than me) mom and her 20 something daughter came in the salon too, to have their hair styled for some kind of pre-wedding event and seeing their joy they shared in preparation for this rite of passage....coupled with the embarrassment I felt as a mom, but pride in my daughter's courage and strength and BEAUTY......I could not help myself.   So emotional.

And as he began to finish his work on her hair, she began to glow....and giggle with joy.  She could swing her hair around like she hadn't been able to in ....many many months...if ever...and run her fingers through it, with no pain.  Maybe he even toughened her scalp some, I don't know. LOL  But so far keeping it brushed has not been a problem (granted, it's only been just over a week :)  Washing and conditioning it went well, despite working around her broken arm (another story LOL) ...and though we didn't spend as much time styling, and it doesn't quite look as nice as what Mr. J.C. did...she can still run her fingers through it any time she wants.  And she's a beautiful as ever. (sniff)    My tweener.

If there is a patron saint of hair, I need to find them....I just pray we can keep it up, from here on ....she deserves it.  (and she loves her new reading glasses as well :)

the Grief Spiral?

Okay, so I "shared" a picture from one of my FB friends onto my FB wall the other day, that generated a good discussion on grief.  Here is the pic above...I hope you can see the details... it is the stages of the grief cycle.  And I think to those who may not have experienced a loss, or even may have had for lack of a better word, a "minor" loss in their lives, if such exists, this may make sense.  But it seems the consensus that even this twisting "ribbon" is too "neat."  And that was my feeling as well.  On the ICAN Loss and Recovery yahoo group which I help monitor and post, we've actually talked a lot about how messy our grief is.  It's been described as a "rollercoaster" but with a lot more upside down loops that make you sick.  But more than that, the word that comes up is a "spiral."  There is no one size fits all.  Each of our own "rungs" in the spiral look different.  One said they experienced a lot of hyperactivity, perhaps a type of "denial" or coping mechanism.   Another said they seemed to stay longer in the angry phase, or the blame and guilt, and then moved on to the "meaningful life" stage where they've maintained for a while.  But no matter how much time had passed, and how much "meaningful" life they had achieved, ....there were always still surprise loops that would pop up, such as a day with many "triggers" or a particularly important date or year or "milestone" that didn't get achieved.  And maybe even a stage that got bypassed, and so later surprisingly sprung up, needing to be addressed.  Well, at least this is what the consensus seems to be, and what my experience is, just 6+ years out from my loss of Noah.  Like I said, I think it probably looks different for every single person...but here is an example of what mine MIGHT look like, though I'm not even sure this does it justice....

I'll leave it to another post to talk about HOW one SHOULD or "should" grieve.  For some reason, the song comes to mind, "Hide it under a bushel, NO!  I'm gonna let it shine."  Or let it burn is more like it.

Intimacy with God

I felt a blog post coming as I listened to Doug prepare to give a talk, based on the article below,  for one of his youth's prayer group at school tomorrow.

http://www.catholicchapterhouse.com/blog/2011/01/25/intimacy-with-god/

What hit me between the eyes tonight (and boy, I could write a whole other long post on how our wonderful/sorrowful Ash Wed. went today :) ) .....was this part:

Being mere humans, we tend to dismiss the people God places in our lives and the challenges we are called to overcome, as “needless obstacles.” God is asking you to embrace those things, and to use them to grow in intimacy with him.

 Wow.  First of all the little girl story is so powerful there.  How many times do I do that same thing with Mariam! :)  But....how many times does God do that with me?  And I am so consumed in my "why's?" and "but...'s" and whining that, when the really GREAT thing he was preparing me for comes along....I fear I am not thankful enough.  Argh...why didn't I just accept and have patience??  (I certainly don't want to PRAY FOR PATIENCE :P )  But ....I think it is because I am not maintaining that "intimacy with God"....that we all long for and need.  THAT is what God wants from us....intimacy. Just like in the Garden!!  Why do we hold back??? Time and Time again.  Why do we have to be reminded, or knocked upside the head to remember this?? lol

But more than this, with the passage from above....I am so convicted to stop the negative, running complaints in my head, in my heart....the ever-whining.  Why did this have to happen this way?  Why does this person in my life have to be this way or that?  And why couldn't they just be XYZ?   No.....God placed them in my lives....and HE KNEW....that *I* needed them.  Case in point:  I really always just "knew" I was going to get a Mariam in my life one day :)  If not God-forbid had it been her, then maybe Noah would have been or another child.... She challenges me more and more each day, in new ways.  She is spunky, she is bouncy, she is high energy, she is ever-questioning, ever-moving;  she "keeps me on my toes" as many people notice and say to me often, especially at Church. LOL  No, Micah and Jillian were not like that...they were easy-going and in the younger years, pretty quiet (not now though lol) and just...well easy.  I could get away with being "lazy"....okay...I shouldn't have been....and maybe there again God knew I needed that during some rough times with PPD and loss and all.  Please do not get me wrong....I am in love with Mariam, love her with ever fiber of my being.  I am not comparing her to them.  And like I said, I knew I had it coming :)  He just knew I needed her...to challenge me and kick me in the pants (maybe literally lol) and so much more.  And oh the JOY she brings as well.  Okay I've posted on this already...lol  But...it's not just with her.... God knew I needed the things in Doug too that challenge me :)  He encourages me and challenges me to jump out of my box like no one else could.  And I can think of so many other things and people in my life....that...it's just hitting me....oh wow, I've wanted to change this or that, or just be rescued from it....but no...He has molded and changed ME through all of them!  He is molding and changing me through them.  Wow.  And that means....that being the clay IN HIS HANDS....I can have quite the intimacy with HIM.  And I want more.....  I want all of HIM.  MORE ADORATION.  MORE DAILY MASS.  MORE INTIMATE PRAYER with HIM alone...shutting out all of the things that take me away.... and giving all of my worries to HIM.
And after the challenge of the movie Courageous today....and seeing the desires of my husband's heart too... I am so ready to "take it to the next level."  I pray I can rise to the challenge, and stay committed to our renewed focus......and have that greater Intimacy with God, with Christ...through Mary (along with several of my beloved online Catholic "sisters" :) )and GIVE that to my children too...teach them and teach them well, through modeling.  Holy Mary, pray for us!

Lord Jesus Christ, only Son of God, have mercy on me  a sinner.

Well....

...it's been my usual long while between blog posts.  Don't know if I have it in me to update on everything from Christmas to daily life.  But maybe one of these days.  Hope my readers ...ha! ...are doing well :)

Sue Elvis Writes: Feeling Crazy

Love Sue so much, and she speaks so eloquently for all Loss moms.

Sue Elvis Writes: Feeling Crazy:

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