the Grief Spiral?

Okay, so I "shared" a picture from one of my FB friends onto my FB wall the other day, that generated a good discussion on grief.  Here is the pic above...I hope you can see the details... it is the stages of the grief cycle.  And I think to those who may not have experienced a loss, or even may have had for lack of a better word, a "minor" loss in their lives, if such exists, this may make sense.  But it seems the consensus that even this twisting "ribbon" is too "neat."  And that was my feeling as well.  On the ICAN Loss and Recovery yahoo group which I help monitor and post, we've actually talked a lot about how messy our grief is.  It's been described as a "rollercoaster" but with a lot more upside down loops that make you sick.  But more than that, the word that comes up is a "spiral."  There is no one size fits all.  Each of our own "rungs" in the spiral look different.  One said they experienced a lot of hyperactivity, perhaps a type of "denial" or coping mechanism.   Another said they seemed to stay longer in the angry phase, or the blame and guilt, and then moved on to the "meaningful life" stage where they've maintained for a while.  But no matter how much time had passed, and how much "meaningful" life they had achieved, ....there were always still surprise loops that would pop up, such as a day with many "triggers" or a particularly important date or year or "milestone" that didn't get achieved.  And maybe even a stage that got bypassed, and so later surprisingly sprung up, needing to be addressed.  Well, at least this is what the consensus seems to be, and what my experience is, just 6+ years out from my loss of Noah.  Like I said, I think it probably looks different for every single person...but here is an example of what mine MIGHT look like, though I'm not even sure this does it justice....

I'll leave it to another post to talk about HOW one SHOULD or "should" grieve.  For some reason, the song comes to mind, "Hide it under a bushel, NO!  I'm gonna let it shine."  Or let it burn is more like it.

Intimacy with God

I felt a blog post coming as I listened to Doug prepare to give a talk, based on the article below,  for one of his youth's prayer group at school tomorrow.

http://www.catholicchapterhouse.com/blog/2011/01/25/intimacy-with-god/

What hit me between the eyes tonight (and boy, I could write a whole other long post on how our wonderful/sorrowful Ash Wed. went today :) ) .....was this part:

Being mere humans, we tend to dismiss the people God places in our lives and the challenges we are called to overcome, as “needless obstacles.” God is asking you to embrace those things, and to use them to grow in intimacy with him.

 Wow.  First of all the little girl story is so powerful there.  How many times do I do that same thing with Mariam! :)  But....how many times does God do that with me?  And I am so consumed in my "why's?" and "but...'s" and whining that, when the really GREAT thing he was preparing me for comes along....I fear I am not thankful enough.  Argh...why didn't I just accept and have patience??  (I certainly don't want to PRAY FOR PATIENCE :P )  But ....I think it is because I am not maintaining that "intimacy with God"....that we all long for and need.  THAT is what God wants from us....intimacy. Just like in the Garden!!  Why do we hold back??? Time and Time again.  Why do we have to be reminded, or knocked upside the head to remember this?? lol

But more than this, with the passage from above....I am so convicted to stop the negative, running complaints in my head, in my heart....the ever-whining.  Why did this have to happen this way?  Why does this person in my life have to be this way or that?  And why couldn't they just be XYZ?   No.....God placed them in my lives....and HE KNEW....that *I* needed them.  Case in point:  I really always just "knew" I was going to get a Mariam in my life one day :)  If not God-forbid had it been her, then maybe Noah would have been or another child.... She challenges me more and more each day, in new ways.  She is spunky, she is bouncy, she is high energy, she is ever-questioning, ever-moving;  she "keeps me on my toes" as many people notice and say to me often, especially at Church. LOL  No, Micah and Jillian were not like that...they were easy-going and in the younger years, pretty quiet (not now though lol) and just...well easy.  I could get away with being "lazy"....okay...I shouldn't have been....and maybe there again God knew I needed that during some rough times with PPD and loss and all.  Please do not get me wrong....I am in love with Mariam, love her with ever fiber of my being.  I am not comparing her to them.  And like I said, I knew I had it coming :)  He just knew I needed her...to challenge me and kick me in the pants (maybe literally lol) and so much more.  And oh the JOY she brings as well.  Okay I've posted on this already...lol  But...it's not just with her.... God knew I needed the things in Doug too that challenge me :)  He encourages me and challenges me to jump out of my box like no one else could.  And I can think of so many other things and people in my life....that...it's just hitting me....oh wow, I've wanted to change this or that, or just be rescued from it....but no...He has molded and changed ME through all of them!  He is molding and changing me through them.  Wow.  And that means....that being the clay IN HIS HANDS....I can have quite the intimacy with HIM.  And I want more.....  I want all of HIM.  MORE ADORATION.  MORE DAILY MASS.  MORE INTIMATE PRAYER with HIM alone...shutting out all of the things that take me away.... and giving all of my worries to HIM.
And after the challenge of the movie Courageous today....and seeing the desires of my husband's heart too... I am so ready to "take it to the next level."  I pray I can rise to the challenge, and stay committed to our renewed focus......and have that greater Intimacy with God, with Christ...through Mary (along with several of my beloved online Catholic "sisters" :) )and GIVE that to my children too...teach them and teach them well, through modeling.  Holy Mary, pray for us!

Lord Jesus Christ, only Son of God, have mercy on me  a sinner.

Well....

...it's been my usual long while between blog posts.  Don't know if I have it in me to update on everything from Christmas to daily life.  But maybe one of these days.  Hope my readers ...ha! ...are doing well :)

Sue Elvis Writes: Feeling Crazy

Love Sue so much, and she speaks so eloquently for all Loss moms.

Sue Elvis Writes: Feeling Crazy:

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There Are No Ordinary Moments: CESAREAN COURAGE

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