Update on my Lenten experience

I just read a great blog post here ....not Catholic, but it really hit me.  Man...remember my post a few weeks ago about the start to our Lent...Ash Wed. rocked, in a penitential sort of way LOL.  (Plus we were all set w/ the kids after our kids' Lent Day at church.... popcorn "kernels of kindness" anyone?) And then.....I sort of started to slip...sigh ... temptation? Argh. No, not sort of...REALLY slip.   I don't know.  First, I was only going to drink water this Lent... and I started getting horrible headaches.  I didn't realize how much caffeine I was having every day (tea and coffee, maybe some chocolate, but no sodas.)  So I decided to let myself have either some tea or coffee each day....  Then, I was going to do the Total Consecration to Jesus through Mary, found here .  And several long hard days happened, or crazy events and ...I forgot, and forgot again, and... sigh.  I was going to fast on Wednesdays on behalf of the political/religious battles going on of late....nope, forgot.  Or how about that Novena for it...um, nope.  Daily Mass?  Un-uh.  Adoration each week? yes!  And that has been wonderful, in fact...I feel a deep deep desire to spend more and more time w/ Our Lord in Adoration.  I wish it were available more than one day...I wish that everyone (in our parish) were filing in to spend time there!! :( One day...from 9:30 a.m. to 8:30 p.m.  That's it.  Granted, we live in the (Evangelical/Baptist) Bible belt and Catholics are a minority here, but...we have a large parish.  C'mon!  Anyway, I pray for an increase in attendance.  Back to my Lent....  so yeh, it's been one crazy Lent...a kid w/ a broken arm, some illnesses, terrible allergies, a few stormy days, a friend or two's loss :(......and of course crazy busy-ness.  In fact, I spent about 4 days on my feet all day every day last week LOL  I am telling myself that that makes up for my broken Lenten fasts sigh.  I tried to offer up my work on those days.  I was so exhausted...just physically spent.  And humbled by the thankfulness I received.  See, we had this parish retreat last weekend....called Light of the World.  Went from Friday night to Sunday night.  I am the kitchen/hall coordinator and so I coordinated the food.  One man did 3 of the meals, and I helped, and did one of the meals plus snacks.  Anyhoo...it went well, and I survived and I know how to organize better for next time  :)  But just more of how crazy insane my Lent has been.  One of those days, I had the worst bladder pain I have had since my hysterectomy a few years ago. ( I have IC  ever since Noah  fyi.) Offer it up, offer it up.  So...again, I am hoping these things make up for my crappy broken promises sigh.

And then, too, yesterday I was blessed to attend the St. Columba employee annual retreat up at Blessed Trinity .  Oh how I love this place now (since I first went, on my Cursillo.  I love when you walk in, that it smells like my grandparents' house. LOL (was built in the 60s I believe, but so well-kept)  I love that I just feel utter peace when I am there.  I love having Mass there.  I love the food there LOL (even when it's just soup and bread for Lent "fast" :)  I love the little single bed rooms there.  The quiet.  The sisters.  The beautiful grounds.  We had a silent retreat, actually.  And it was just so peaceful...I so needed it.  Just sitting outside, on the swing in the shade, by myself, in the quiet (except for all the bees buzzing around and birds chirping :) it literally distracted me during my rosary LOL)  I actually dream of going up there like, oh, I don't know, once a month? lol for a "mother's retreat" :P  Okay, how about every 3 months?  Anyone game? :P  A weekend...fri night to sun. afternoon.  ahhhh. Anyway, let me post the prayer we ended with, at the end of the day.... I feel like it re-centered me :)

God, heavenly Father, look upon me and hear my prayer

during this holy season of Lent.  By the good works you inspire, 

help me to discipline my body and to be renewed in spirit. 

Without You I can do nothing.  By Your Spirit help me to know what is

right and to be eager in doing Your will.  Teach me to find new life through penance.

Keep me from sin and help me live by Your commandment of love.  

God of love, bring me back to You.

Send Your Spirit to make me strong in faith and active in good works.  May

my acts of penance bring me Your forgiveness, open my heart to Your love,

and prepare me for the coming feast of the Resurrection of Jesus.

Lord, during this Lenten season, nourish me with Your Word of life

and make me one with You in love and prayer.  Fill my heart with Your love

and keep me faithful to the Gospel of Christ.

Give me the grace to rise above my human weakness.  Give me new life

by Your Sacraments, especially Eucharist.  Father of love, source of all blessings,

help me to pass from my old life of sin to the new life of grace.  Prepare me for

the Glory of your Kingdom.  I ask this through our Lord Jesus Christ, 

Your Son, Who lives and reigns with You and the Holy Spirit, One God, forever.  Amen.

(from http://www.catholic.org/prayers/prayer.php?p=790 )

So here I am.  ("Here I am, Lord..." lol)  Still drinking a little tea or coffee each day, but...lol...ready for a better Lent, hopefully.  There's always hope.  Of course...our ultimate HOPE came from EASTER.... the Resurrection.  Come, Lord Jesus, Come!  Can't wait.  Now...off to muster some late night prayers before bed :) (and reallllly not worrying about editing or writing correctly!)

Intimacy with God

I felt a blog post coming as I listened to Doug prepare to give a talk, based on the article below,  for one of his youth's prayer group at school tomorrow.

http://www.catholicchapterhouse.com/blog/2011/01/25/intimacy-with-god/

What hit me between the eyes tonight (and boy, I could write a whole other long post on how our wonderful/sorrowful Ash Wed. went today :) ) .....was this part:

Being mere humans, we tend to dismiss the people God places in our lives and the challenges we are called to overcome, as “needless obstacles.” God is asking you to embrace those things, and to use them to grow in intimacy with him.

 Wow.  First of all the little girl story is so powerful there.  How many times do I do that same thing with Mariam! :)  But....how many times does God do that with me?  And I am so consumed in my "why's?" and "but...'s" and whining that, when the really GREAT thing he was preparing me for comes along....I fear I am not thankful enough.  Argh...why didn't I just accept and have patience??  (I certainly don't want to PRAY FOR PATIENCE :P )  But ....I think it is because I am not maintaining that "intimacy with God"....that we all long for and need.  THAT is what God wants from us....intimacy. Just like in the Garden!!  Why do we hold back??? Time and Time again.  Why do we have to be reminded, or knocked upside the head to remember this?? lol

But more than this, with the passage from above....I am so convicted to stop the negative, running complaints in my head, in my heart....the ever-whining.  Why did this have to happen this way?  Why does this person in my life have to be this way or that?  And why couldn't they just be XYZ?   No.....God placed them in my lives....and HE KNEW....that *I* needed them.  Case in point:  I really always just "knew" I was going to get a Mariam in my life one day :)  If not God-forbid had it been her, then maybe Noah would have been or another child.... She challenges me more and more each day, in new ways.  She is spunky, she is bouncy, she is high energy, she is ever-questioning, ever-moving;  she "keeps me on my toes" as many people notice and say to me often, especially at Church. LOL  No, Micah and Jillian were not like that...they were easy-going and in the younger years, pretty quiet (not now though lol) and just...well easy.  I could get away with being "lazy"....okay...I shouldn't have been....and maybe there again God knew I needed that during some rough times with PPD and loss and all.  Please do not get me wrong....I am in love with Mariam, love her with ever fiber of my being.  I am not comparing her to them.  And like I said, I knew I had it coming :)  He just knew I needed her...to challenge me and kick me in the pants (maybe literally lol) and so much more.  And oh the JOY she brings as well.  Okay I've posted on this already...lol  But...it's not just with her.... God knew I needed the things in Doug too that challenge me :)  He encourages me and challenges me to jump out of my box like no one else could.  And I can think of so many other things and people in my life....that...it's just hitting me....oh wow, I've wanted to change this or that, or just be rescued from it....but no...He has molded and changed ME through all of them!  He is molding and changing me through them.  Wow.  And that means....that being the clay IN HIS HANDS....I can have quite the intimacy with HIM.  And I want more.....  I want all of HIM.  MORE ADORATION.  MORE DAILY MASS.  MORE INTIMATE PRAYER with HIM alone...shutting out all of the things that take me away.... and giving all of my worries to HIM.
And after the challenge of the movie Courageous today....and seeing the desires of my husband's heart too... I am so ready to "take it to the next level."  I pray I can rise to the challenge, and stay committed to our renewed focus......and have that greater Intimacy with God, with Christ...through Mary (along with several of my beloved online Catholic "sisters" :) )and GIVE that to my children too...teach them and teach them well, through modeling.  Holy Mary, pray for us!

Lord Jesus Christ, only Son of God, have mercy on me  a sinner.